{ togawp } – hollywood’s secret sauce

0 stars

This movie had the
absolute worst special effects I’ve ever seen for a theatrical release
in the past decade.  They don’t even deserve to be called
"special" because they’re so hilariously bad.   It’s just
some 7th Heaven guy hangin in some perfectly decrepit house full of
dead kids and the worst CGI Boogeyman you’ve ever seen.  These
movies need to be stopped, the Grudge, the Ring 2, the Amityville
Horror, Saw, Cursed, House of Wax, Dark Water, Texas Chainsaw Massacre
etc.  They aren’t scary, they aren’t even fun, they’re just
garbage.  Here is the formula if any of you feel like coming up
with one yourself, its fun:

• 1 classic horror film from the 70’s or substitute whatever was popular in Japan last year
• 1 or more teen stars of the WB
• 1 strobe light
• mix well with a shitty metal band soundtrack, fake blood and really
  bad effects and…

Voila!  You just made your own shitty
blockbuster horror movie!  Personally I came up with a remake of  "Dr. Giggles" starring the
cast of One Tree Hill and music by Slipknot  which, for all I
know, is already in production.

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2 stars (**)

Remakes
are just an excuse to pump old movies full of all the sex and violence
of today’s standards and this one is a prime example.  The
body count went from 0 to 10 in the first 5 minutes and through the
course of the movie I lost track of just how many people were being
shot in the head.  I thoroughly enjoyed the New Years Eve
setting, that always sets a fun tone for a bullet-ridden blood
bath.  The Christmas decorations are still up, everyone is a
little nostalgic, tipsy, hopeful, horny…then BAM!!! Happy new year
bitch, you’re shot in the head!  Drea de Mateo and Maria Bello
provide the sex appeal while Ethan Hawke’s sunken, strung-out heroin
face will make the ladies swoon more than Before Sunset because now
he’s in a cop uniform, grrrrrr!

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In case you hadn’t heard, Tara Reid has finally found her calling.  The party monster has signed on as the new host of E!’s Wild On series, filling the skimpy bikini once worn by Brooke Burke.  And in what might be the quote of the week, Tara has described the casting choice quite aptly (video/Real Player):

It’s like I’m Willy Wonka, and I’m showing you the Chocolate Factory.

We all wish Ms. Reid the best of luck with the series, and with her much-anticipated follow-up, Tara Reid’s Wild On Rehab.   Anything that keeps her away from movies where she tries to play a Doctor.

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Bikini-clad and preggers, Britney Spears and her "Impregnator" hubby K-Fed ("stars" of the UPN show Britney & Kevin: Chaotic) were recently spotted lounging at the Ritzy Marina Del Rey gobbling up all the poolside Bar munchies in sight.   Mrs. Federline was smiling at the numerous pool-side gawkers, proudly displaying her big belly-bump and voluptuous new found "mummy" breasts.

But after approximately 15 minutes in the pool, something went seriously wrong.  Witnesses said the Pop Star looked flush and quickly made a b-line for the pool ladder.  Apparent "Morning Sickness" ensued, and obviously Britney didn’t have many places to "ditch" her snacks, so she opted for the poolside concrete walkway to spew. Guests said "she up-chucked what she’d munched at brunch, spewing barf as swimmers shrieked and parents hustled kiddies from the water!"

We cannot wait for pictures in Us Weekly or the Enquirer.   But why let those guys have all the fun?  If you’ve got any, PLEASE SEND US ANY SHOTS OF THIS POOLSIDE POP-STAR SPEW FEST.

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1 star (*)

This is just the white man’s "Ray" with less heroin and more gay Kevin Spacey.

Release date: By 07 June, 2005
Current mood: gay

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3 stars (***)

This is not the heartwarming family holiday film that it was promoted
to be. Granted it is a total Tim Burton rip-off, but entertaining none
the less. Finally, Jim Carrey (or his manager) has realized that all
his over-dramatic Oscar bid films are not earning him any trophies,
and that he should stop playing sappy and get back to comedy. The kids
in this movie are totally flat, boring and forgettable. They are like
two little hipsters and a talking smart ass baby. Another "unfortunate
event" was that Jude Law found a way to snake himself into yet another
movie of 2004, which, if you’ve read any of my previous reviews, you
would know infuriates me. At least he is only a shadowy narrator, but
still. Just to tally Jude Law’s resume for 2004 (I heart Huckabees,
Sky Captain, Alfie, the Aviator, Closer, Lemony Snicket)…granted
they were all made at different times, they were promoted and released
all in the same year, thats like a movie every 2 months!!! He’s the
male Nicole Kidman. Anyway, back to Lemony Snicket, it rules because
Count Olaf (Jim Carrey) hates these kids and spends the entire movie
making fun of them and trying to kill them for their money. It sends a
positive anti-children message to the world which is long overdue.
Just because you want your very own baby to dress up in little outfits
and hats, doesn’t mean there’s room for it on this planet or that I’m
supposed to give a shit. Your baby is not my priority, so keep it out
of my face.

Release date: By 26 April, 2005
Current mood: content

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10.  Julie Cooper arrested for Caleb’s murder, meets up with Oliver Trask
in the Newport Beach city jail, promptly sleeps with him, attempts to talk him into helping her break out–all in an ode to Tango & Cash.

9.  Hayley returns to announce that she’s been working as the concierge
in a hotel on the North Shore of Hawaii, which Caleb secretly bought to
save the Newport group, brings her friend Shannon along, who promptly
sleeps with Trey.

8. Trey and Ryan have an all out brawl at Caleb’s funeral over the
Marissa incident, Summer rushes in from nowhere in her princess Vixen
outfit and kicks Trey off the cliff where that church is.

7. Tips for Avoiding a DUI: Hayley Nichol returns, and in a "One to
Grow On" moment, sits her big sister down to give her a talking to
about being responsible.

6. Julie stands trial for Caleb’s death, in a shot-for-shot
re-enactment of the Klaus Von Bulow case, complete with a cameo by Ron
Silver as Alan Dershowitz.

5. Not to be outdone by earlier (non-sweeps)
episodes….Schwartz endulges every male fan (and annoys most female
viewers) with a three-way between Marissa, Summer and Hayley.  Sorry, had to at least ask.

4. Teresa comes back to Newport to announce the father of her baby was
really Caleb Nichol; she and Marrissa fight to the death over Caleb’s
estate. 

3. A disguised Jimmy Cooper returns with Rebecca (Sandy’s ex) on his
arm.  They reveal to the Cohens that they’ve started their own resort
in extradition-free Bongolia….also, look for a return of Oliver
Trask, filling a Tattoo-like role on Jimmy Cooper’s new island spinoff
show.

2. Alex returns to announce that she is pregnant with Seth’s baby, show
ends with Seth driving away bound for Oxnard while Summer looks on
bawling.

1.  Great White plays the Bait Shop, and the entire Harbor water polo team
dies in the ensuing fire.  And naturally, Ryan gets blamed for the whole incident, putting him back in jail for the summer.

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You have to hand it to Nate McMillian, coach of the Seattle Supersonics, he’s taken a team picked to finish last and turned them into a contender.  Perhaps the coach of the year balloting should be revisited, now that Nate is using strategies spanning two continents.

That of course would be the tablo-blitz of Eva Longoria apparently getting some lightsaber action in Cannes with Hayden Christensen.

San Antonio Spurs point guard (who had, at least until recently, been dating Eva), seemed totally unfazed by the news, going 4-13 from the floor last night, in a performance that looked a hell of a lot worse than that.

Doesn’t Eva know that Parker grew up in France?  Surely some of the Frog-Posse that he left behind is quickly speeding down to Cannes in order to "set things straight" on the off-chance this will FINALLY show Tony the devotion needed to join an NBA posse.  Good luck Jean-Marc!
–Johnsy

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Rest assured, we are working on a recap of Britney & Kevin: Chaotic.  But like a punch that gets you right in the solarplexes, we’re just a touch out of breath after watching last night’s hour-long premiere.  Check back soon for the Gawp CHAOTIC rehashing/review.

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2 1/2 stars (** 1/2)

I knew I would love Phantom of the Opera when I saw the
preview in the theater and could not stop laughing.  At the end of the
preview when it said "A Joel Schumacher Film", I almost choked on a
Raisenette.  For those of you not familiar with his work, Mr.
Schumacher is the dinosaur responsible for ruining the Batman series
with "Batman & Robin" and "Batman Forever", and other classic films
such as "Phone Booth", "8mm", "Flawless", and "D.C. Cab starring Mr.
T".  One look at any movie of his and it’s clear that he has no vision
or style of his own and that he loves to rip off other trendy
directors like David Fincher and Tim Burton.

I love over-budget action packed opera’s just as much as the
next guy so I dove right into Phantom.  Minnie Driver was good but
incredibly annoying and, while her character is supposed to be way
over the top vocally and dramatically, she actually sounded better
than the main characters.  Christine, played by newcomer Emmy Rossum,
is about as fascinating as a paper bag and looks like a monkey puppet
with a perm.  Everyone else was so forgettable, …well, I forgot them
already!

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s music is the best part of the film,
except for this hilarious 80’s synthy beat behind some of the tracks
which made it feel all New Wave-y and did not match the period setting
at all.  They should have done The Phantom of the Hip Hopera.  Phantom
of the who? Phantom of the what?  Word.  The Phantom is just a gay guy
who wants to groom his own diva protege.  He’s considered a "monster"
and has to wear a "mask" to hide who he really is from the world, so
he finds a pretty pop star to sing his songs for him.  He doesn’t want
to do her, he wants to BE her.  What are you trying to tell us Joel?
Don’t worry man, we already knew, it’s all good.

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