{ togawp } – hollywood’s secret sauce

Everyone told me House of Wax sucked, so I was hoping for the worst when I watched it. What I got was one of the goriest horror films of the year (next to High Tension which is gorier and better). But I’m not a gore fan, I’m a suspense fan, so I found myself looking away at a few grotesque moments. I don’t know if you readers are aware of this but gay guys are totally into horror films. Gay guys are way into Dinsey shit and horror movies, it’s weird and I’m not into either so don’t ask me about it, I just thought I’d let y’all know. Speaking of Disney shit, I’m watching Sleeping Beauty right now and this shit is trippy as hell. It’s kinda like Fantasia meets Cinderella/Snow White. Why are the fat chics always the fairy godmothers and the skinny chics are always the evil villains? No wonder America is totally obese. My friend has a dog named Melifacent, named after this she-devil in Sleeping Beauty. They call her Millie for short but she’s blind and deaf now so I call her Helen Kellar and stomp on the floor when I want her to heel. Anyway, House of Wax isn’t completely horrible and Sleeping Beautry is kinda wierd, but watchable. Pick you favorite feature for Halloween and enjoy. The more that I watch this Sleeping Beauty, the more I realize I don’t think I’ve ever seen it before.

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I know you’re sitting there right now going “What the fuck is Mindhunters?” It was that hidden gem of a movie lost amidst the shit fest of summer cinema that flew at our faces this year. WIth an ensemble cast including LL Cool J, Christian Slater, Val Kilmer, Johnny Lee Miller and that boring chic from Cold Case with the bad haircut, you know its gonna be quality, but the cherry on top is director Renny Harlin, who brought us such Oscar contenders as Cliffhanger, Cutthroat Island, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Driven and Exorcist: The Beginning. All these characters are super smart serial killer hunters gathered together on some really cold island somewhere to duke it out for the title of ultimate psychological serial killer hunter! Until someone starts hunting them! Uh oh. I watched this movie so long ago I don’t remember a whole lot else other than some AMAZING, over the top slow motion death scenes and LL Cool J kicking over some guy in a wheel chair.

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I guess a lot of people weren’t that into this movie for their own preachy pro life reasons but I found this movie hilarious. Sure fans of “Welcome To The Dollhouse”, “Happiness” and “Storytelling” are going to have high hopes but I didn’t think that Todd Solondz could out-do his best work so I wasn’t expecting anything mind blowing but it was just another great movie from his weird ass mind. This movie even reconnects us with the Wiener family from Dollhouse in a totally depressing way. Palindromes is all about one little girl’s quest to get pregnant and make lots and lots of babies. She is portrayed by various different actresses ranging in age, size and race throughout her journey, which can be confusing but you eventually get the idea. Just when you start to think this movie is going nowhere, it gets really amazing really fast. I don’t want to say much else about it because there’s nothing I hate more than when attention-starved assholes ruin good movies for everyone else by casually blabbing about them (unlike this entirely optional forum for my personal opinions) so if you’re a Todd Solodnz fan or into abortion humor or whatever, give it a whirl.

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Yeah this is that documentary about Krumpers and Clowns by glam pop photographer turned music video director David LaChappelle. He was directing Christina Aguilera’s infamous “Dirrrty” video and discovered these “urban” freestyling backup dancers who were krumping in between takes. He decided to follow them around South Central LA for a while and make a short about their crazy dance scene. It should have stayed a short. Instead he tried to stretch it into a feature length docu-drama by filling it with extended, pointless, repetative dance scenes that water down the rest of the good stuff. Way to go idiot. I say watch the first 20 minutes and the last 20 minutes and you’ll like it, especially the Clown vs. Krumpers battle (Krumpers are the same as clowns but harder and without the makeup). There’s only so much footage of convulsing ghetto teens in clown costumes one person can handle. Sure it provides a positive outlet for underprivelged kids to invest in, but when you see a 4 year old girl performing what they call “The Stripper Dance”, it’s kinda weird. And while there are a lot of cool elements to it, its just a lot of shaking and thrashing and nowhere near as creative or entertaining as breakdancing or any other kind of dancing for that matter. But I guess that’s why it’s so popular, cuz anyone can do it.

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2 stars (**)

Ok, I know I said ghosts were cool but this ghost movie was kinda retarded. Mark Ruffalo is ok in my book. He survived some kinda brain tumor thing and is now acting up a storm but if you know me, you know I hate Crab-face Witherspoon with a passion. She is even more scary skinny in this movie than ever and, I never thought I’d say this but, I hope she gets pregnant again just so she gains some weight. She’s no Mary-Kate or Allegra Versace but nobody can really tell just how skinny she is because you either see her in a pant suit or pregnant somewhere. How many kids does she have now, 2? 3? Do her and her ugly husband Ryan Philllipppee even see or talk to eachother? You only see them with their kids, but never together….mysterious. Anyway, the pace of this movie is awkward, it’s not that funny and Crab-face isn’t even dead, she’s just in a coma so the whole movie becomes this giant Terri Schiavo “don’t pull the plug” story and made me want to pull the plug on the projector.

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1 star ea. (* / *)

That’s right folks, I just watched 2 films in a row, both featuring Will Ferrel and a personal cappuccino machine: Kicking & Screaming and Bewitched!*. Both movies are forgettable except for a few random funny Ferrel moments, none of which compare to Old School, Anchorman or Elf, but oddly they were both released within a few months of eachother and portray Will Ferrell and his relationship with a prominant cappucino machine. If you don’t believe me, see for yourself. Kicking & Screaming is clearly a family film, but so was Elf which had way more laughs. K & S featured former Bears coach Mike Ditka way more than it should have. If he was used as an occasional cameo it would have been fine, but he’s like the 3rd biggest role in the movie, and every scene he’s not physically in, they just refer to him multiple times. This is total overkill usage of Mike Ditka and stops being funny after 5 seconds. There are a lot of kids in this movie which have long hair which is one of my least favorite things. No male should have hair past ear length at any age in life. If they do, they’re clearly a douchebag or a product of shitty stage parents who think it’s cute. Neither movie is as shitty as it could have been. I knew K & S would be ok-ish, but I was really counting on Bewitched sucking hardcore and, while entirely retarded, isn’t so bad I can rip it to shreds. Nikki Kid is one of the prettiest piece of cardboard I’ve ever seen on film. She can almost suspend your beliefs long enough to convince you that she’s a real human being from Australia who was Tom Cruise’s beard and then broke away and made it on her own. If she had converted to Scientology, I wouldn’t be as nice, but she got out before things got out of control. (See “The Interpreter” for further cardboard observation). As for Will, if you’re a fan of his, you’ll definately like a few scattered moments of either film, but don’t expect to see anything hilarious. I actually haven’t even finished Bewitched!* yet, but I’ve seen enough to know exactly what it is and where’s it’s going. I would suggest renting either or both of these movies if you happen to find yourself stuck with some kids or some jolly old folks or anywhere between the two. They are both safe and predictable and entirely lame.

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4 stars (****)

Holy shit, this movie is cool. Anything with ghosts is cool in my book, even Casper with Christina Ricci and Bill Pullman. Ghosts are just awesome and there’s nothing you can do about it. This movie is about a woman and her family who lived in some fucked up haunted house in Culver City (California) where this rapist ghost would totally rape her and beat her up. It’s a true story from the 70’s and is still considered to be the only supernatural phenomenon seen by the most amount of witnesses at one time. All these scientists were documenting the whole thing happening in her bedroom. She would yell at the entity and it would get pissed off and shoot lightning around and rape her. They took pictures of it and tried to hyper-freeze it to trap it. This is a crazy ass movie and Barbara Hershey is really good in it. If you’re into ghosts or supernatural shit, I reccomend this classic. It’s cool cuz it’s real and ghosts are fucking real too.

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0 stars ()

Fuck you Robots, fuck you.

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2 stars (**)

Sean Penn looks more swollen than ever. Nikki Kid looks like the Ice Queen of Narnia in The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe. What is this movie about again? She overhears someone talking about murdering someone else? Big deal. I talk about murdering people all damn day. Like that bitch who cut me off in traffic or my loud ass neighbors or that god aweful homeless guy who comes into my work and smells like hot garbage and talks in a fake british accent. Sure I say “I want to kill her/him/it!!!”, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to do it. I really hate that homeless guy though. How many homeless British people do you find wandering the streets of LA? What an idiot. He told me he needed to see Barbarella because he was meeting Jane Fonda on Wednesday. I think he wants to secretly kill her. I also saw these homeless people having sex on the sidewalk…in front of the police station! I guess the cops were gonna let them finish and then tell them to leave. Like at that rave I went to where this kid was so fucked up he layed down in the corner and started fisting himself. The cops came and just stood there til he was done. Can you blame them? If I was a cop I wouldn’t touch that shit either. So basically what I’m trying to say is the Interpreter is totally boring and I fell asleep so many times I don’t even know how it ended.

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1 star (*)

Talk about a shitty remake. They totally left out the red-eyed pig demon, and pretty much everything else that was remotely scary from the original. Sure, watching Ryan Reynolds run around shirtless with a bear and an axe is kinda cool but everything else blows. This looks and feels more like a shitty late 90’s music video than a feature film horror remake. There was 0 suspense and plenty of weak ass gore scenes. Not to mention fake out scare after fake out scare. The original was great because you watched this family turn crazy, each in their own way. And they didn’t dive into this Indian torture chamber basement like the remake does. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, It felt more like I was walking through a haunted maze at Knott’s Scary Farm watching stoned teenagers from Orange County jump at me with shitty rubber masks they bought at Spencer Gifts. I would still love to spend 1 night in this house and 1 in the Entity house as well, just to see what happens. Amityville is in New York, but does anyone know where the real Entity house is in Culver City? I wanna go for reals.

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