{ togawp } – hollywood’s secret sauce

I know you pretentious assholes had galactic expectations for this movie, but I didn’t, and I thought it was pretty fuckin cool. Sure they blew most of their special effects budget on Kong, and the rest of it looks like a video game but so fuckin what, it’s still better than 90% of all the other garbage that Hollywood slung at our faces this year. Everyone agrees that 3 hours is too damn long for a movie (so fuck you Munich if you think I’m gonna sit through 3 hours of boring Israeli Olympic terrorists), especially with today’s ADHD, retarded, obnoxious, disgusting public (all you assholes who were in the theater with me). Peter Jackson should have shaved a good 45 minutes off and saved it for a special feature on the DVD. Otherwise this movie had everything!!! The action scenes were long and amazing, the gross out insect scene was borderline vomit-inducing, those aborigines where entirely terrifying, so what are you people complaining about?! Oh yeah, the casting, or miscasting. I used to hate Naomi Watts because I didn’t know what all the fuss was about until I actually saw her act (The Ring = good, 21 Grams = really good, Mulholland Drive = sweeeeeet!) Naomi, we all know you’re just a poor man’s Nicole Kidman, cuz you guys are old school friends from down unda and she pretended to be Tom Cruise’s beard for a while and then basically handed you an acting career with a bow on it, but we don’t care anymore. You’re like her dirty little sister who’s not afraid to show some tit. And why was everyone saying Jack Black was miscast? Who else should have played it, Jason Alexander? Paul Giamatti? who?! Anyway, the King Kong Cam was a nice touch to make you really feel like you were swinging through the jungle, but that shit made me so dizzy I had to stare at a blank wall for 45 minutes when I got home just to reset my equilibrium. There are so many things happening all over the screen for so long it’ll make your head spin, but I thought it was a fuckin fun action flick and definitely worth it. I might even see it again at the Cineramadome. Notice how I don’t give anything away about the movie, unlike that skewered pig George Pennachio from ABC 7 Los Angeles local news. His idea of a movie review is just spoiling all the good parts for you and then letting you know if it’s “family friendly” or not. If you ever see his fat, juicy, make-up-caked face on your screen turn it off before he ruins everything you haven’t seen.

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I guess I’m just giving them the 1 star because the idea was kinda interesting how you don’t know who’s actually a victim or who is just “crying wolf” so it’s not as predictable as every other shitty teen horror flick. But the whole cross-marketing bullshit of the killer stalking these prep school kids via AOL Instant Messenger is totally retarded. This movie was just a 90 minute commercial for a buddy list?!?! Fuck you AOL!!!

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Some obviously gay writer and/or director made a campy movie about a conniving teen girl who wants to be famous so bad she creates a sex scandal at her posh Beverly Hills prep school just to get press. The writing is decent, Evan Rachel Wood (Thirteen, The Missing) plays the main character easily and James Woods is pretty funny as her racist dad, but it’s all predictable and pointless camp entertainment.

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Diane Lane,…”Under the Tuscan Sun” is my anthem, I’ve seen it 3 times. “Unfaithful” was hot and weird but good. I can’t think of anything else you’ve been in before that but I was so excited for this movie because I love you and I love dogs. John Cusack…you’ve been around forever and I used to think you were weird looking and I couldn’t tell what race you were, but then your charm won me over late in the game and now we’re pals. How could you guys join forces and form such a shitty movie?! Not to mention you took Dermot Mulroney and Stockard Channing down with you. The idea that your characters found each other on Match.com is so absurd I don’t know how you could even say those lines without laughing. I guess that’s why you get paid the big bucks. I randomly walked by the premiere of this movie while leaving work one night and hoped this would be my new favorite shitty romantic comedy. But you guys spent more time in this movie talking about stupid ass homemade wooden boats than dogs at all! There was 1 date at a dog park and maybe 2 dogs in the entire film…a film entitled MUST LOVE DOGS!!! WHERE THE HELL WERE ALL THE FUCKING DOGS?!?! Everyone warned me how horrible this movie was. Tashi even called me at 3am on Kwanzaa to tell me how much she hated it, but for some reason I think I still liked it just a little bit more than everyone else, but not enough to ever waste my time watching it again. Consider yourselves warned.

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The Brothers Grimm = 3 stars ***

So I’m not the biggest Terry Gilliam fan in the world, but I’ve seen most of his work and enjoy or at least respect it. I know a lot of you out there think everything he touches turns to gold,…or frankincense or myrrh, so you had only the highest of hopes. I just thought the idea of Terry Gilliam directing Grimm’s fairy tales sounded kinda cool, but I knew better to wait for a DVD release rather than shell out $15 to watch it on the big screen surrounded by chatty Kathy, fat ass, face-stuffing slobs. The story and script are OK, the performances are whatever, the CGI effects are embarrassingly out dated but the costume and set design steal the show. And the Oscar goes to…whatever homely bitch spent months designing and sewing and decorating all that amazing shit. You deserve it! If I could live on that sound stage, I would. This film definitely had the potential to be a lot cooler than it was, but it took Terry too long to finish the damn thing and it shows. It does have some creepy ass twisted fairy tale scenes, which are fun, but not enough to save the day.

Four Brothers = 3.5 stars ***1/2

We’re all used to Marky Mark the actor now, courtesy of I Heart Huckabees, Fear and Boogie Nights. Tyrese has some screen cred for starring in Baby Boy and 2 Fast 2 Furious. Andre 3000 from Outkast…you were only in that piece of shit “Be Cool” but you looked so much like Coolio, nobody realized you were the “Hey Ya” guy! Anyway, the previews for this movie felt like 8 Mile…minus the rapping, plus more snow & violence. 4 adopted juvenile delinquents (2 white, 2 black) reunite to avenge the unwarranted murder of their heart-of-gold adoptive mother. I put this DVD on as pure background noise but I was instantly hooked and ended up watching the whole thing. John Singleton directed, and managed to make the typically average gang fight and shoot ‘em up scenes way more interesting than typical action flicks. The characters and their relationships to each other were so different from what we’re used to that it made the plot more interesting and the action more dynamic. All in all I was completely surprised by this movie…great soundtrack too.

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Maggie Gyllnehaal looks like a haggard grandma who keeps trying to relive her heydays as a burnt-out flapper. She is so fuckin ugly I can’t stand to look at the screen while she is on (Secretary, Mona Lisa’s Smile, etc). I’d rather watch dust settle on my limp dick than watch Maggie Gyllnhaal attempt to act her way out of a wet paper bag. Lisa Kudrow is O-L-D OLD!!! Everyone else is fine and this movie is funny but a little too long. I think massages are a totally wierd idea but I got a gift certificate for a massage as a Christmas present last year and didn’t have the nerve to redeem it until the end of this summer. It was nice though. I requested a dude cuz they have stronger hands…right? Even though my masseuse was Asian I still got a semi (gross). I thought it would be totally wierd since they grab your ass and all, but it wasn’t so awkward cuz with that new age music playing you kinda zone out. The best part was the hands and feet, maybe because I use my hands and feet so much at work and didn’t even realize how tense and fucked up they were, but it felt damn good, so I asked for another one as a present this year…heh heh heh.

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Ummmmm….why was this the sleeper hit of the Summer?! I don’t get it. Have people never seen National Geographic before? Isn’t the Discovery Channel a part of every basic cable package? What made this movie so special? Maybe it’s because I was suffering from food poisoning while watching it, but I seemed to have missed the charm. So let me get this straight: some penguins mate and then the dads go sit on the egg in the middle of nowhere while the moms walk all the way back to the ocean and stuff themselves, then they hobble all the way back to the dads who are just standing there in an eternal nighttime blizzard and, assuming they’re still alive, feed their chicks regurgitated fish guts for a few days and sit on them. Then the dads wander to the ocean and stuff themselves and I guess wander back to the babies and feed em again and then they all go their separate ways…??? Hey penguins, why do you guys have to waddle 80 miles back and forth forever just to feed your kids? Why not save everyone a trip and just lay your eggs closer to the sea, then y’all can eat whenever the hell you want and not have to walk in a line for a week just to vomit some Gerber shit to your potentially dead baby chic? What is the point?!!! Penguins are birds and birds are known for their stupidity and this movie is a prime example of it. Sure the babies are fuckin cuter than balls but they don’t even hatch until half-way through the film. I saw Winged Migration, which I think is superior, but I’ve decided all these new artsy animal documentaries, especially the ones about birds, are scaring the shit out of me. Now I’ll never look at these creatures the same because they all seem like scary soul-less aliens. I would much rather see the original French version, where instead of Morgan Freeman narrating nature facts, they have voices for each penguin and what they’re thinking and saying to each other and they talk about their dreams in French and it sounds much more bizarre and terrifying. I hate birds regardless, but at least penguins can’t perch over my head or shit on my car.

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I don’t know why I like Jenny McCarthy. I don’t care about tits, I hate Singled Out, and her “gross hot girl” shtick is totally annoying but for some reason beyond my control I still find her funny. This movie was painfully low-budget and Carmen Electra trying to play “ghetto” was excruciating, but Jenny saved the day with enough humorous moments to keep my finger hovering over the eject button without actually pressing it.

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I’m not sure exactly what “Boss n’ up” means but I’m sure it has to do with being a pimp and being good at turnin your ho’s out. This is some straight to video musical about Snoop Dogg, who works at a grocery store and then becomes a pimp’s apprentice and eventually becomes the ultimate pimp with this awesome stable of ho’s. He makes them exercise and take classes to be the ultimate ho’s and there are Snoop music videos peppered throughout the story, which are the only tolerable and remotely entertaining parts of this waste of time. It seems like Snoop just saw American Pimp and had a couple music videos he made that weren’t getting rotation on BET so he decided to slap a shitty story around them and sell it in stores.

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From Sunday night’s Comedy Central Last Laugh ‘05 after-party at the Park Plaza hotel.

Looks like this Holiday New Year cheer is going to be rung in with "Celebrity Endorsed Napkins!". Anyone have a copy of Jessica Simpsons infamous email breaking it off with Nick? We think that would be a classic farewell party favor for the burn’t out Newlyweds.

P.s. – We’re wondering if the poor sap who bought his new cellie last week has any idea why 90+ people called him on Sunday Night asking for a blow job.

Got more?  Send your Holiday Party Napkin photos to tips@gawp.us.

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