{ togawp } – hollywood’s secret sauce

Gawp Movies correspondent Brett Sweat checks in with a "celebrity" sighting from Los Angeles:

Paris Hilton was spotted early evening on President’s Day (February 20) at giant, indie record
store, Amoeba Music in Hollywoood, CA. 

Cloaked in an obviously
"inconspicuous-yet-notice-me!" outfit consisting of an overly-bedazzled pink
hoodie, pink Uggs, grey sweats with a blue mini skirt and giant sunglasses (2
hours after sundown in L.A.) she immediately headed upstairs plucking random
used VHS tapes and DVDs into a basket. 

The hotel heiress was overheard conversing with a
certain "Nicole" on her cell phone, exclaiming very loudly "Everyone will just
assume you did it anyway, so you have to come out with a public statement, like
tommorrow!",  as she paced the aisles of the store. 

At one point Paris even
lowered the seemingly attached cell phone and announced a question to everyone
in earshot "Where am I?  What store is this?", to which everyone around rolled
their eyes simultaniously and replied in unison "Amoeba". 

Ironically, a copy of
her low-budget, straight-to-dvd release movie "The Hillz" was currently on
display (as a joke) and she snatched it right up along with "Clueless" and some
random TV shows.  You’d think a billionaire heiress wouldn’t still be stuck in
the VCR age but who knows.  Maybe she thinks VHS tapes are "vintage". 

After
purchasing her finds she disappeared into the parking garage and out onto the
streets of Hollywood, which were currently without power due to a large blackout
in the area for over an hour. 

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What the fuck is this movie about?! Again, here I am, trying to catch up on what the elder-gays define as mandatory viewing and again, here I am, totally lost as to what the fuck I’m watching. Some drunk-ass, pretty girl in NYC pretending to be a socialite to win over a hot sugar daddy? This doesn’t seem like anything special to me. Maybe my generation’s version of this movie is Party Girl starring Parker Posey. Sure Audrey Hepburn is pretty, and classy and all, but this
feels like a typical classic movie where everyone talks waaay too much and the screenplay is overwritten, as if it were a play and should be filed int he Fantasy section, rather than Classics. Nobody talks like this! If I knew anyone who wouldn’t stop talking, like Holly Golightly, I would have to slap the shit out of her and tell her “You might have a boyfriend if you learned how to shut the fuck up, bitch!”

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So I guess I’m starting to feel the pressure of my superiors and I’m trying to catch up with my gayness and watch all the “gay classics”, Mommie Dearest being at the top of my list. But just so you know, loving Mommie Dearest is part of the previous generation’s gay contract, and not my generation’s revised edition. We swapped it out for Mean Girls or Heathers or something. Just like we replaced “Cher” with “Britney Spears”. Anyway, this movie features the most over-the-top performance ever of…fuck, I already don’t remember…ummm…wait while I google it…Joan Crawford by Faye Dunaway! It was completely out of control, and i’m not very familiar with either actress, but it was still entertaining. For those of you who are still lost, this is camp classic featuring the memorable line “No more wire hangers!!!”. There are some awesome scenes but for the most part it’s just some crazy ass rich bitch screaming at her adoptive daughter who looks like those podling people from the Dark Crystal.   I thought Joan Crawford was still alive and on that show “Dynasty” and shit, but I guess that was Joan Collins? and Joan Crawford is totally dead. I’ll never be gay enough to be gay.

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Holy fuckin shit you guys, a shitty 80’s movie about high school band majorettes who are being murdered by some maniac who uses their own majorette batons to kill them?! (that’s the description, but upon viewing he has only used a knife thus far, and the high schoolers are blatently 30-something.) The cover art of this dvd was so amazing I had to watch the movie, which is even more amazing. I might have to buy this.

“Sis, boom, blood! you’re dead”…nuff said.

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Sam Mendes directed American Beauty and Road To Perdition so everyone expected greatness out of Jarhead. Other than the beautiful cinematography and “Now That’s What I Call The 90’s!” soundtrack, it’s just ok. Jake Gylenhaal dancing to “OPP” by Naughty By Nature, wearing nothing buy a Santa hat on his head and a Santa hat on his dick is probably the best part.  With all the half-naked wrestling soldiers, this movie is officially
gayer than Brokeback Mountain. There are some really great shots in this movie though so if you love photography, it makes for some good eye candy. A nice balance between romanticizing war and the gritty reality of it as well. Basically it’s just about how US soldiers serving in opporation: Desert Storm were totally bored out their minds and had no idea what they were doing there. Duuuuuhhhh. Sidebar: I found this awesome Desert Storm men’s necktie at the Jewish thrift store by my apartment the other day for $2, jealous? Anyway, I hope the soundtrack includes all the awesome pop jams used in the movie from Public Enemy, C & C Music Factory, Bobby McFerrin, and T.Rex, to current Kanye West. And, believe it or not, Jaime Foxx plays an arrogant asshole in this movie, so it totally works! HOO-RAH!

p.s. if you want to know what hoo-rah means, click here, war slang is kinda interesting I guess. HOOAH?

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Also a nod to Wallace & Gromit for being 1 of the 3 Academy Award nominated films for Best Animated Feature that isn’t computer animated. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some good CGI (Appleseed, Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, Polar Express in 3D Imax only! and yes it’s terrifying but even more mind-blowingly terrifying in Imax 3D!) Anyway, I’m a fan of Ardman Animation stuff. Creature Comforts is hilarious, Wallace and Gromit: A Close Shave is great…but Curse of the Wererabbit was just ok. I love Halloween type shit and everyone knows werewolves scare the bejesus out of me, but this movie didn’t really go anywhere and would have been much better as a short. That’s the problem with movies today, they are based on brief themes or gimmicks rather than developing characters and plotlines. This results in 45-60minutes of material being stretched out into 90-120 minutes just so the feature can get a theatrical release and make more money
and get more attention. This is especially unfortunate given the whole documentary/reality craze lately. Rize would have been way better if left at it’s original, shorter length as seen in festivals. Instead they add pointless, repetative scenes and water it down just to make it feature length. I’d rather watch 45 minutes of something awesome than 100 minutes of something boring with a few cool scenes.

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Sounds like everyone’s favorite socialite might be single once again.  Our friends at Glitz is Glam are reporting that Stavros Niarchos has left Paris Hilton, this time for good.

Paris’s reps say the two are still in love, but provided few details beyond that.  Meanwhile, Paris was seen in Miami with record producer Scott Storch last week; and this week’s she is making headlines in London.  Hilton was seen in designer Julian McDonald’s
fur-draped show at London Fashion Week, and was pelted by PETA protesters with “flour bombs” for her troubles.

Will the agony of being Paris Hilton ever cease?

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From Glitz is Glam:

TMZ has just unveiled a video of Britney Spears leaving the Malibu Urgent Care Center on Monday.

This is not the first time that Britney has reported “stomach
cramps”. Last September, she went to a Santa Monica hospital
complaining of the same ailment.

You would think with STOMACH CRAMPS and trips to the ER she would
put partying at Mardi Gras on the back burner for now. Maybe her new
surprise is a new baby for all the lil kids down on the Bayou to play
with!

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Brad and Angelina kiss in public,  and it’s caught on camera by Extra!

Thanks YouTube

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So Phil tells me I look like Karl Urban, who co-stars in this movie with The Rock. I think Karl is way hotter so I’ll take that as a compliment, thanks Phil! Otherwise, this movie is like a really boring Aliens rip-off. I remember playing the video game on my computer in the 90’s and being totally grossed out and all but nothing cool even happens til at least halfway through the movie. There is a 5 to 10 minute point-of-view/ first-person-shooter sequence (just like the gameplay) which is actually pretty fuckin cool and clearly the best part of the movie. Other sci-fi/horror movies should take a hint and utilize that perspective more often because it made for some great action and suspense.. Other than that, this movie just felt like Resident Evil part 3 but with the Rock instead of Milla Jovovich. I still don’t think i’m anywhere near as hot as Karl Urban, but it’s nice to know that at least 1 person thinks so.

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