{ togawp } – hollywood’s secret sauce

This is too much fun, one of our talented staffers has "re-purposed" the Chevrolet Apprentice Commercial Generator into a full-fledged MTV Films style paparazzi promo production!

Without further delay, we’d like to introduce Chevrolets latest commercial promotion for the 2007 Tahoe featuring:
Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton in "The Quest for More Blow"

Click image above or this link to view film – nuff said!

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This movie is great. You’ve got Viggo Mortensen fuckin shit up, Maria Bello running around, Ed Harris being creepy with a milky eye, William Hurt…doing something worthy of an Oscar nod, and some hard ass action scenes. A History of Violence is definitely violent and bloody, but even the sex scenes are violent! I had to double check what this movie was rated because there is some hardcore naked pretzel business goin’ on. And not in like a rape/nudity/penetration sorta way, but more like an aggro-sex kinda way. Whatever, you’ll see, but I definately recommend it. Great story, acting, directing…it should have received more Oscar nominations but we all know how retarded the Oscars are nowadays (Crash? Reese Witherspoon?) and the academy doesn’t usually agknowledge thrillers unless they are political thrillers (Constant Gardener, Syriana) so fuck ‘em. I heard actors being interviewed saying they only vote if their friends or themselves are nominated, otherwise they just leave their ballots and “For Your Consideration” dvd screeners out for their maids to watch, fill out and send in. Given that the majority of housekeepers and maids in Los Angeles are Mexican, I doubt many of them saw Brokeback Mountain, so it’s no surprise Crash got Best Picture. Just a theory.

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I like horror movies but I”m not the typical gay who’s obsessed with all horror films. I am very particular. I like a lil’ gore, but prefer suspense n’ terror over blood n’ guts. The Descent is a British horror film which is basically like 28 Days Later but underground and with chicks. It’s fucking scary and bloody and great.  You can’t not at least like this movie. It’s so good it’s allegedly getting an Americian theatrical release this spring. It’s for sale at Amoeba in the import section, so you need an all-region dvd player to watch it. I like. Is nice.

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This movie was so confusing I was either too drunk to comprehend it or it made me FEEL like I was too drunk to understand what the hell was going on. I think I got the basic concept, but still, I won’t ever care to watch it again so I guess I’ll never know! Ewen McGregor still looks like a serpent, Ryan Gosling (while hot) looks like wet garbage, and Naomi Watts looks like she’s just waiting for her cell phone to ring to hear if she got the part in King Kong or not so she could care less. Calling it in, cashing the check. I will give it a few props for obscure experiments in editing. AND…for the repetitive use of a magnificent song called “These Eyes” by one of my favorite bands, The Guess Who.

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WAITING = 1 star *

So this is supposed to be like Clerks but at a restaurant. Or an extension of Jennifer Aniston’s environment at her TGIFridays-esque job in Office Space, only in Waiting it’s called Shenanigans! If you’ve ever been a waiter, or worked at a restaurant then you might get a kick out of seeing your everyday annoyances played out in exaggerated form on screen, but otherwise this movie blows. I was a host at California Pizza Kitchen in Marina Del Rey for a few solid months in college. I was also a food runner at a diner in Arizona where the Mexican cooks would pretend to rape me and this crazy cult of psychos, who thought they were immortal, would congregate once a week. They were called “The Flame Foundation”, which sounds totally gay, and then my mom realized my piano teacher was a part of the group so needless to say, she was no longer allowed to give me private lessons after school at my house for fear she would brainwash me. This of course is after I had the oldest lady in town as a piano teacher and her wig kept falling off and she almost died during a lesson, but she was just asleep. But I thought she was dead and almost called 911. I guess I just wasn’t meant to tickle the 88 ivorys. Anyway, back to this shitty movie, the main kid from the TV show “Freaks & Geeks” is in it, but he’s a bit grown up and looks like a friend of mine so I was wierded out and lost interest in the stupid restaurant gross-out comedy. I was basically “Waiting” for it to end.
JUST FRIENDS = 2.5 stars **1/2

This movie isn’t too bad. It’s better than Waiting but still not as great as it could have been. The funniest parts are when Ryan Reynolds is fat, and they don’t have enough scenes of that so it kinda gets boring and predictable once he’s all skinny. Who else wore fat suits for comedy…Gwenyth Paltrow did in Shallow Hal, Mike Myers did in Austin Powers 2 and 3 (i think), and now Tyra Banks is doing it for her stupid daytime talk show to show us how fat people are treated in Beverly fucking Hills. What a dumbass. If you’re 350 pounds and you walk into a trendy Beverly Hills boutique that doesn’t sell anything above a size 6 then how the fuck do you expect the employees to react when they see your fake, fat ass come squeezing through the door?!?!
And a special shout out to Phoenix-based, “Greyhound of the Skies”, Southwest Airlines for being the first to blaze the trail and charge fatties for 2 tickets if they take up 2 seats worth of space. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of the chunky allstars, but I guess i’m just tired of working in a confined place where I’m forced to contort my average sized body into awkward shapes and sizes like some kinda Cirque Du Soleil clown, just to navigate my way around the grossly overweight
people who stand there, too lazy to budge an inch. And thanks to the Pope, our planet is totally overcrowded, so being seems like a gluttenous luxury (unless you have some kinda crazy ass thyroid problem, or something). I loves me some heavy people, but there are some that just don’t even try. Just because you’re body requires more space, it does NOT mean you’re entitled to it.

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EXCLUSIVE: A well-lubricated Tara Reid was seen outside of Dennis Rodman’s Newport Beach house on Wednesday morning, paying off a local resident after slamming into their car.

According to our eyewitness, Ms. Reid’s "pupils were clearly dialated, fow what reason I don’t know." After exiting their respective vehicles, Tara told the owner of the other vehicle that she "didn’t want to deal with insurance," and promptly handed the gentleman $700 dollars to "forget it ever happened."

Words of advice for Ms. Reid — drink a few cups of coffee before venturing outside of Rodman’s party palace, and in addition use your rearview mirror (or sleep more, and party less).  As for the victim of Tara’s bad driving — we hope you got a fair shake; i.e. more than $700.  Even Tara couldn’t have drank/ingested all of her American Pie/Taradise riches (yet).

Note: the photo to the left was NOT taken this morning; but we’re going to take a guess and say it’s a reasonable approximation of what Ms. Reid looked like at 7am today. — Ed.

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Were you upset by the photos circulating last week of her and a certain glass smoking device? Lindsay felt it best "blow" the photo off everyone’s mind. The only real question we have is did she cut it in a white  "V" in honor of Wilmer? [hahaha]

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I’m not captivated by Uma Thruman’s tallness, or gigantic hands or montrous feet. Meryl Streep is great but is playing a NYC Jewish mother in this movie so it feels like you’re watching Coffee Talk with Linda Richman on SNL. The random lead guy is hot though. The previews for this movie made it look completely retarded, when it’s only kinda retarded. Sure the idea is a lame “Ashton & Demi” type rip off, older woman with younger man relationship. But it wasn’t as bad as the previews made it look. It’s not great or anything, but it has it’s charming moments here and there. Nothing worth buying on dvd, but if it ever came on cable I might tune in again…a little. Cheesey romantic comedy with blonde sasquatch, Jew Meryl Streep and hot new-comer, nothing more.

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DOMINO = 2 stars **

Everyone trashed on this movie, and yeah, it’s pretty aweful so I’ve got a lot to say about it. I’m not a fan of that overstylized, over-color treated, over edited type of movie that will no doubt induce a massive migraine and/or projectile vomit cuz it makes you feel like you’re on coke and acid and crystal and running around with bounty hunters and guns and shit. That being said, there are a few nuggets of awesomeness hidden within this crap-tastic film. “Nuggets” is the word of the day. Anywhoozle, this is based on the true-ish story of real life British model-turned-American-bounty hunter Domino Harvey, who they show at the end credits, and on the special features and I thought was a dude, but she died, so that’s mean, so R.I.P. real life Domino!!! I’m gonna pour some out for ya later on tonite! So those nuggets of awesomeness that might sway you to stomach this film and order it on Netflix include, an association with Beverly Hills 90210 the TV series and Ian Zering (Steve) and Brian Austin Green (?i don’t remember his character’s name?) playing themselves as cohosts of this bounty hunter reality show, AND…big, black, female comic/actress Mo’nique (Queens of Comedy, Showtime At the Apollo host, The Parkers) doing a scene on the Jerry Springer show, with a chart showing all the
bi-racial breakdowns (ie: Blacktino, Hispasian, Chinegro and Japanic…i pissed my pants!) Then gets in a fight about birth control yelling “I’m a Devry graduate, bitch!!” priceless. Lucy Liu, Christopher Walken, Mena Suvari, Mickey Rourke and Macy Grey also have supporting roles. Watch at your own risk.

PRIDE & PREJUDICE = ? stars
I was so bored I turned it off within the first 30 minutes….twice.

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Part 3 in my “catching up with the gay classics” trilogy (including Mommie Dearest and Breakfast at Tiffany’s), I probably liked this one the best. Don’t get me wrong, Mommie Dearest is great but there was so much screaming in it I had to put it on mute multiple times. I know most of you have seen this but for those who haven’t it’s great cuz Bette Davis is some creepy, old, spoiled, vaudeville child star who still tries to look, dress and act like her former famous self. Meanwhile, her wheelchair-bound sister, played by Joan Crawford, experienced more acting success, becomes a prisoner in their own home cuz Bette Davis gets all jealous and crazy and ties her up and shit. This movie also has a rather abrupt, awkward ending but it’s still a great ending none the less. It also takes place around the Larchmont area of L.A., you can tell by the houses and street signs, which is cool for locals. But is there anything more creepy than an old woman dressing up like a little vaudeville girl and prancing around while she tortures her disabled sister?!?! I think not.

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