{ togawp } – hollywood’s secret sauce

Hello, I am Brett Sweat. I started reviewing movies because I had so much to say about them. My friends started reading these reviews and passing them on to their friends. With the popularity of internet rentals and rapid turnover of films from theatrical to dvd release, I felt a responsibility to absorb all the crap and then provide honest, unbiased reviews of it. If I fell asleep or turned it off, I’ll say so. If the movie compelled me to clean my apartment or leave the building entirely, then you should know about it.

Opinions are like assholes, and I want everybody to see mine, so here are my reviews.

-BS

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George Lucas, who is known to coddle to his children’s every wishes and needs, will be releasing a fourth prequel to the Star Wars saga. They simply demanded more Jar Jar Binks. Lucas set out to assemble the cast to continue the story, post Anakin as Vadar. This venture was met with trouble when Lucas came to learn that Hayden Christensen wanted too much money, Samuel L. Jackson was filming extended scenes for the Criterion Collection director’s cut of “Snakes on a Plane,” while Ewan McGregor was doing a stint in rehab.

Determined to not let his children down, Lucas came up with the concept of a Jedi race of squirrels. Execs at 20th Century Fox were initially resistant to the idea but were won over when Lucas pointed out, “If Ewoks can end the evil Empire, why can’t squirrels?” Hasbro was excited at the prospect of coming out with a new line of toys to accommodate these new characters. “Kids like fuzzy. Especially little girls, which is the market we’ve been trying to tap into.”

After “Lost” star, Michelle Rodriguez finishes her stint in Kailua prison, she plans to lend her vocal talents as the voice of a Jedi Squirrel. Macaulay Culkin is also attached to the project. Tom Cruise reportedly backed out when Lucas refused to let him set up a Scientology tent to distribute personality quizzes and Dianetics pamphlets.

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Has anyone gotten a good look at Hilary Duff lately? I don’t mean to get all pedophile…oh hell! Sure I do! But damn, she is looking hot! Sure, not long ago she was the Disney tween queen with her bubblegum hits, cherry gloss smile and her so sugary sweet ya get a toothache, films and TV. Now her apple polished image is getting a make-over with her…(cough)..she’s hot…looks, her rocker boyfriend and my favorite rumor, that she likes making out with…more than boys.

Miss Lindsay Lohan, on the other hand looks like she’s trying to ramp up her own reality show called, “America’s Next Crack Whore.” Sure, she stole my heart in “Freaky Friday” and “Mean Girls.” I even did a little rock out shimmy to her pop hit, “Rumors.” But miss teen queen quickly turned to miss backstabbing mean queen. Selling out her friends, becoming a…(cough)…coke whore, and just an all around tramp. Not to mention she’s been looking like she needs her own charity event for malnourished celebrities.

I’m seeing if I can wrangle up Bruce Springstein to do a “Hands Across America” type song to raise funds and awareness to the food deprived celebs like Miss Lohan, Nicole Richie and the Olsen twins. If we all came together as a community we could beat this thing!

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Kevin Federline premiered his vocal talents at his cd listening party at Pure nightclub in Vegas. Apparently, mishaps were aplenty at this feast for the ears. During his performance, one club goer hung herself with a waiter’s dish towel, more fights broke out than in one episode of “Prison Break,” a woman disemboweled herself with a swizzle stick, while others proceeded to pour Hypnotic on their bodies and then light themselves on fire.

Scientists speculate that the reason for such wild displays of behavior by the crowd is due to Federline’s voice, which hit a frequency and intensity that is far too much for the human ear to physiologically handle.

Dr. Wooton, a professor at Harvard University had this to say:

“Now if he were to sing to whales, dogs, or…even bats, they would appreciate his decibel range of sound. In fact, they would find it quite soothing. But now the human ear can only handle the frequency of 700 to 20 cycles/sec. Hitting the range of 1000 cycles/sec, essentially, fucks their shit up. Pardon my French.”

It was reported that Britney missed out on the performance due to a fight between her and Federline before the show. Me thinks she knew the blood bath to come and slipped out while the gettin’ was good.

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So J.Lo is on the lamb with her daughter cuz she killed the father of her child in a car accident and now her abusive boyfriend is after her. So she decideds to seek obvious refuge at her dead husband’s father’s ranch in Montana or somewhere near there. It’s a small hic town and Cameron Manheim (the fatty from that David E. Kelley lawyer show and the movie Happiness) is a diner owner and Josh Lucas (Sweet Home Alabama, Stealth) plays the sheriff in town. The little girl acts like a lesbian and oh yeah, Morgan Freeman plays some ranch hand who is a bear mauling survivor so Robert Redford (who looks kinda good in this movie) has to give him medicinal shots in his ass every day. Hooray!

It’s well acted and well shot, but other than that it’s kinda pointless. It just seemed like a month in the life of some fucked up people and a bear for no reason at all. I’m sure the bear is symbolic of something but I didn’t care enough to find out what.

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Slither makes you think of snakes, but this movie is about slugs and there was already a 70’s horror movie about worms called “Squirm” so I guess they didn’t have a choice. They could’ve called it “Slugs!” but whatever. I didn’t even want to see this movie but 4 friends dragged me so I didn’t really have a choice. I wanted to see Basic Instinct 2 because it’s supposed to be the new Showgirls, or V For Vendetta, but I was out-voted. Slither was only 86 minutes so I knew if it sucked it would be over soon, but this movie was pretty funny, intentionally. The writing is great, but it takes so long for any slug-tastic action to happen that you start to get frustrated. Knowing the film is less than an hour and a half you would expect it to be jam packed with slimey slug attacks but there wasn’t nearly enough to satisfy the crowd. A few gross out scenes and some funny dialogue, but nothing worth seeing in the theater obviously.

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I used to like Jennifer Aniston….like 8 years ago when I still watched “Friends”. Now I think she’s a frigid bitch with canceled TV show, a history of shitty movies, too many failed nose jobs, and an over-publicized divorce which is her own fault for not wanting to make babies with a hot-ass movie star. So fuck you Aniston, Jolie is way hotter and now you’re old, boring and alone with drunken bloated asshole, Vince Vaughn. Anyway, little does anyone know, “Derailed” is totally a hip-hop thriller! Xzibit is in it and the Rza did the soundtrack so it’s going for a gritty urban, street, vibe with a bunch of white people. That’s actually one of it’s lamest qualities but whatever, at least they tried. Otherwise it’s pretty good. I know I’m a sucker for a good mystery/thriller but this one isn’t entirely horrible. Clive Owen is nice and it might be worth a rental, if you’re in the mood.

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Holy boring, Batman! I like Juaquine, but we all know I’m not a fan of Crabface Witherspoon. He was good and all. Looks like Johnny. Sounds like Johnny, etc. But I’m not a Johnny Cash fan, other than the song “Ring of Fire” and that video for “Hurt”. I probably wouldn’t mind him so much if I didn’t work at a place that collectively worships the shit falling out of his ass, and plays that Live At Folsom County Prison album until it’s burned into your brain so hard you start to forget your early childhood. I gave this dvd a shot, and had to turn it off before I died of boredom. Walk the Line can walk the plank!

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URGENT: {togawp} is looking for writers to try out in our Gossip Writer Talent Hunt 2006.
This will be a paid positions a-la Gawker and Weblogs, Inc. (low paying, but massive exposure to whoever wins – {togawp} approx. 10K visitors daily!)

We don’t have any intention of letting go of the reigns of this Gossip Battlestar Galactica completely, but we figured it’s best to start
looking for new talent now – enabling us to grow and focus our efforts on building additional properties and content tools.

The topics-needs of {togawp} include:

• Daily Hollywood Gossip Roundup posts (5 posts comprising many stories – weekly)
• Recent paparazzi and celebrity news (As needed)
• Hot mainstream featured entertainment and television show reviews/content (I.e.: The OC Drinking Game, The Year in Lohan etc)
• Risque Editorials and conversation/comment starting content
• Celebrity gossip along the lines of Pink is the New…, The Superficial , JustJared.com, Defamer HT, etc…is where we want compete, which means we want someone who is original, f’n-damn funny, can stand the heat in the kitchen in the gossip world, and know when dish it out accordingly!

If
you are interested then write 3 sample posts for one of the topics/subject matters above and
email them to tips@gawp.us. The amount that each writer will
earn has not been set (expect approx. $50-75 Monthly to start – we want to set expectations up front) .

If you have any questions feel free to ask in
the comments or send an email tips@gawp.us

Good Luck!

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